Friday night I dreamed in vivid color with precise detail, that I opened my front door and the porch was on fire. The scene was bushes and trees - everything was lit on fire. The dream lasted for a long time and nothing quite made sense, but everything was moving in slow motion. I woke up in a cold sweat.
I wonder if so many people are going through the same thing.
My days this week have been filled with the desire to get outside and fill my life with activity - anything to not think about what lies ahead. I talked to someone on Friday who kindly, but bluntly told me that I was homeless. It's true in a sense, but I felt empty and hollow. How can I be homeless at this point in my life?
Friday's run was fretful and very underrated. I ran just over a 5k and was done. I couldn't do anymore. There is a clear line between feeling lazy and just not able to take another step, so I walked away. My mind kept thinking about the marathon (9 weeks from today) and what I should do at this point. I decided to give myself more time to turn things around. Jared, my coach, told me not to think about paces or times, just run. I needed to hear that (my runs have been very slow), and I also wonder how I will feel next week, whether my running will evolve into something other than a shuffle.
Meanwhile, people keep showing up for us with a stream of boxes on the doorstep every day and I can't seem to get to it all fast enough. If you've sent us something, please know that we love you, we are thankful and I'm trying to connect with everyone. The love is so overwhelming in the very best way and I don't think I can't ever say thank you enough.
Saturday was filled with errands and an early morning run for Josh. He came back with a report of 5:58 pace for 12 miles and my mind started racing with the possibility. What if I just keep trying?
This was the third gym that I've tried out in the last week and I think I've found the one. The first gym I went to had an annoying overhead fan blowing on me (super cold) with loud, constant techno music (I loathe techno music). The second gym had subpar customer service and the treadmill didn't display the pace anywhere (deal breaker). The third gym had great treadmills and the strength eqipment seems solid. I'll go a couple more times, but this is most likely the place. By the way, I miss home...
The run was a mild success. 7.43 miles with strides - the first time turning my legs over in over two weeks. It felt really satisifying to run a normalish run and I look forward to running again tomorrow.
Earlier in the afternoon, an event that we put on our calendar at the beginning of the week was finally here. My kids love the author Stuart Gibbs and they are huge fans of the Spy School series. Stuart came to the local library for a presentation and a book signing for all the kids in the community.
Josh, Megan and Elle purchased Stuart's newest book:
We all jumped in for a picture. I feel just as invested in Stuart's books as the kids.
We also found out that Stuart had family affected by the Palisades fire... so many people have a story about the deadliest wildfire in US History. Elle has predicted that someone will write a "What was the California Wildfires" book in the Who Was/What Was series. Smart girl.
One month ago was Christmas Day and now every single thing has changed. I try not to cry, but it seems to come at different times each day, so I just accept it. I keep saying to Jerold that it doesn't seem real - how did this happen and why did it happen?
We are searching for a new home, the beginning of a process that I don't want to deal with but we have to do hard things.
We are tough. We are runners.
We can do hard things.
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